The Principle of Equivalent Exchange

I was watching "Full Metal Alchemist" last night, and thought it was a relevant term: The principle of equivalent exchange.

The show hinges around alchemy, and the lesson is that you can't make something from nothing. Beyond the base minerals you need to make something, you need to exchange, or sacrifice something, in order to create something new. The protagonists learn this the hard way when they end up crippling themselves in a failed attempt to bring their mother back from the dead.

The parallel to what's happened between me and my best friend of 25 years, didn't go unnoticed by me. In order to get the career I've set out for, over 5 years ago, I now have to lose the oldest friend I have. It seems the cosmos never wants to throw you anything without taking something away.

She's still oblivious to this, since she thinks I've quit, and forwarded me an email between her and a mutual friend of ours, who asked about me, to which she replied that I was disappointed in my nursing career.

Disappointed? I hope I haven't given that impression. I love what I do, but I also am aware that it's easy to love something you know you'll be leaving in 6 months. I don't like thinking about being stuck here, in my late 40s, or early 50s, one of those burn out nurses.

People have told me my hospital is good for people starting out their career, or ending it. Damned if that doesn't describe each and every person I work with. There are those that tollerate a bad situation because some days are better than others, and they know if they were to leave, it would be to a bigger hospital, where they'd get more work to do for the same amount of money. If they're big fish in a little pond now, they're not willing to try the sea; it's too scary. I seem to enjoy shaking up the status quo and going boldly into the unknown...I dunno--I'm not scared. I believe I can do anything I set my mind to, most times.

Again, I find myself unable to reply to her email. This doubt in me, this pulling her support away, or maybe it was never there to begin with--maybe she thought I'd fail--has really left me with a bad taste.

The bad thing is that anesthesia is a small world. Everyone seems to know everyone and when I come back and look for a job, how the hell am I going to go unnoticed? She's said she's going to retire as soon as she can, but that's still a few years off...maybe if I concentrate on the penninsula and south bay, I'd be alright.

Still, I can't believe it's come to this.
She's never going to change her mind about me, and I'm never not going to be hurt by her doubts. It seems like it's the end of a good, long friendship. I think about when she came visit me in San Francisco, and liked it so much she moved out here. And when I went to study in Italy, how she changed her vacation plans to include Florence for a week, so we could hang out. Or how we went to Indonesia and spent two weeks in Bali together...how we were planning on doing a reunion tour of that trip someday.

I can't help but be sad. If ever I had something resembling a sister, she was it.