Bitches

I got a call from someone at Sequoia hospital ICU.
She left a message about coming in for an interview.

I called her and she kept trying to get me down there on a day off, or the afternoon, so finally I agreed to see her on some day off morning. I went down there yesterday, a forty-five minute drive. I was there early, and walked around the hospital for about an hour; it was nice. Reminded me of CPMC CCU that I was in during my integration.

I was intimidated, but I thought it was ironic that I would have been MORE comfortable there straight out of school. They do CVVH, have balloon pumps, and I dealt with those at CPMC. I also had patients on LVADs, pre and post orthotopic heart transplant, and almost everyone had a PA line.

Now, this last year, I've been dealing with post surgical patients, the GI bleeders, the DKAs, the Pancreatitis secondary to Alcohol abuse, the drug addicted, the elderly and the septic. When people die in my ICU they're usually end-stage organ failure and so we don't code them.

So, now, I'm sitting in this bitch's office, and after about 60 seconds it becomes clear this isn't an interview, it's a sermon about how I am not ready for "her" ICU and how I need to go to their step down (a four patient ratio) and or stay where I'm at, that nurses from my unit have come to work there and failed because my unit is basically like a step down, etc.

The whole time, I was thinking "you made me miss sleep...my fucking SLEEP...to drive down here for 45 minutes in one direction, to tell me no...you fucking whore."

And then it became clear that no matter what, I've got to go back to New York. I'll never (not only NOT get another ICU job, but) get into another program.

This is it.
My one shot on goal.
And, I'm so not ready for it.

I hope somehow I can fake it, but I'm doubting it.
I just don't want to go back, accrue all this debt and fail.
Come home with nothing but outrageous debt and no way to pay it back.

The only thing possible is to return to New York, put my head down for two years, and see if I can make it thru to the other side.

It's a longshot, but it's the only shot I've got.