funkopolis

I'm not sure why I'm in a funk.
I think it might be that my brain is shooting forward and backward all the time, and never in the present, lately. It might also be that I'm in sort of a double limbo. I'm off work until the 23rd, resting my back, which I've thrown out because we're staffed down to bare minimum and there's no one to help me with turning the patients.

I looked at the form to verify clinical placemeobnt, it says "full time/part time" and I just came to realize that I'm not considered full time at my work...I'm considered .8 ("{point eight") which is part time. This sucks, because now Columbia is going to hem and haw and try to keep me from the program, OR they'll make my life a living hell, trying to prove to me how the extra 4 hours per week (x 50 so ~ 200) would make a difference in my critical care knowledge. Since I do still have trouble with this, it wouldn't be hard to wrong-foot me and stump me.

Fucking fuck.

On top of that, I seem to be thinking about the remote future, when I'm done with school, and I can gut the house and fix it up the way I want to...and of course, this is against Buddhist thought...I should be present in the NOW and not living in some fictitious tomorrow that hasn't and may not ever arrive.

Look at Laura, she's my hero--she left just before I did, in 2006, and she's been at it ever since and she's almost done. I guess it IS possible...there IS an end to all this, a light at the end of this tunnel (and it's not an oncoming train?!)

I just feel in a deep funk right now,
I miss my friends, especially the ones that I've had fallings out with (Jean, Steve, the other Steve, the distant Steve) and I'm sick of the struggle to push forward all the time.

I just want to arrive.
Do we ever arrive?
Is arriving the same as stagnation or dying?
I wonder.