A Night Fraught with Fear

Tonight, I'm laying here, trying to suppress a panic attack.

My stomach is full of butterflies.

I went to sleep and dreamed a few crazy dreams, I woke up and was telling G about it, and speculated that the reason he was wearing a goofy shearling hat (in the dream) was because it was similar to my friend, Eric's, who wore a kooky shearling hat.

15 minutes later, the phone rings, and it's my friend Eric. How ODD is THAT!? I haven't talked to him since we were both studying for the NCLEX and he had just passed it and was telling me via email how it was. Freaky coincidence? wow.

Anyway, he had some bad news. Sounds like Colubia screwed him over. With their idiotic disorganized way, they set him up to fail, sent him to several clinical placements where they "were expecting someone with experience." This poor guy is 90% done with the program, and they asked him to leave.

I started getting a choking feeling--oh God!! The disorganization, the way sticking out can put you on everyone's shit list and how they psycho-babble you into thinking you have turned in crap, when in reality, you did the best you could on bullshit instructions...the way one hand doesn't know what the other is doing...Brandon's words came back to me "I try to keep a low profile and not get noticed, not draw attention to myself" and I started wondering--my plan of keeping my mouth shut for two years, sitting in the back row and effectively teaching myself everything...would it work? Would they work me into a corner and make me run up the tuition and then ask me to leave?!

Oh god, the fear in the pit of my stomach is terrible.

I should be worrying about this biopsy tomorrow.