Through the fire

I'm coming back after a long absence.
I've been writing about the cancer on my tumblr blog, I guess I didn't want to mingle the two worlds, cancer and my normal life.

I'm now less than 10 days away from returning to school. I can't lie and say I'm not scared. I've tried to trace the fear to its origin--what is it I'm afraid of, exactly?

I guess I'm having flash backs to a year ago, when I was 2 weeks away from resigning and going back to school. I was at the same stage; beginning to pack and make lists.

I'm afraid I am still too tired or weak to do this.
I'm afraid I've forgotten everything and I won't be able to keep up with the lessons.
I'm afraid I've forgotten how to write a paper, study for tests, etc.
I'm afraid of being in a big city by myself again, though, this time, I have to say, I am not going as a complete stranger, but there are many dear friends there whom I am looking forward to seeing again, hugging and thanking them for all their support this last year. I know that if I had an emergency, someone would be there for me.

I'm nervous about taking this tamoxifen.
I'm afraid my elderly pooch will kick off while I'm in New York.

But, I'm hopeful, too--I think about shrinking back from this challenge, and I think "no way, I can't do that." My mind is programmed to rise to challenges, no matter how hard and insurmoutable they seem. I'm going to do this, damnit.

Back to student mode. It will be a welcome change to "cancer patient" mode.