Is it better?

Some times, relationships come to a quick, nasty end, and you THINK it's the end, but maybe it's just that enough time hasn't elapsed. Is it better to just let it be and let it go? Better to allow those things to pass into the misty haze of memory and get on with your life, eyes forward, never looking back? Perhaps.

I'm a bit melancholic right now. Happy and sad all rolled into one--it's a complex feeling, and I've said often--I'm a man brain trapped in a woman body, so this complexity is working me. I don't have the advanced skills to deal with this emotional stuff.

I've been finding everyone on facebook. Almost Everyone.
I found almost everyone from Cal Poly; from my studio, almost 100%.
I found Sarah Wettling and her brother Sam; I grew so close to them on my second trip to Italy--and lost contact with them in 1998.
I found Chris, my best friend from junior college, who had a massive, embarrassing blow out with me on the Charles Bridge in Prague...ugly, ugly--and all these years have gone by and there these people are again, by my doing. So strange. Is it a good idea?

What is it about me that's making me do this? What perverse need am I looking to fill? It feels good, to find people, and find out that though you stood nose to nose, screaming at each other in a foreign country, with people standing around watching your relationship supernova, there is as much guilt and sadness on their part as there has been on yours about what happend, and the loss of such a close friendship.

I dunno. Perhaps, the more I get to know people, or rather--the more people I meet, the more I appreciate the sanity of people I used to know, over the flakes, and screwballs I seem to have around me at times.

Remember when friends used to have your back? When you confided shit to them and they were there for you even if they thought you were making a mistake, they were there for ya. People seem eager to point out where you're going to fail, or "I told you so" or give you the "I flaked" (ie--you don't matter) bullshit without any remorse or shame.

This isn't the case with a handful of good friends I am blessed to have now--they know who they are...but it seems like the flake:genuine ratio is tipping lately.

Forgive my pessimism. I'm merely venting.

I swear this next post will be something uplifing, and happy, full of puppies and sunshine....(yeah, right!)